Where's the Giving in Thanksgiving?
I’ve thought long and hard about writing this piece. Thanksgiving in Canada had come and went. In the time since, things have changed for me. I find my headspace at a place where it wasn’t during Thanksgiving weekend. Why write about Thanksgiving when you're hardly in the mood to give thanks? It strikes me as inauthentic. I had all my assets ready for a Thanksgiving blog. And then - indecision. I recognize that at this point, being thankful is the last thing on my mind. Perhaps all the more important to put some things in perspective.
So I am going to jump into it.
Where's the Giving in Thanksgiving?
Optimism does not come easy for me. Since when I was 20, maybe 21, I have struggled on and off with low grade depression. I've made light of it (gallows humour) and thought "Why is it anybody's business to know anyway? Almost everybody is fighting a battle that others don't see. What makes my struggle so significant that I should talk about it?" But then a friend recently confided that she too was struggling with depression. I suppose that gave me the permission to sit with my own thoughts and allow them a voice. (Thank you, fellow depressed friend)
I recently did a personality test and learnt a few things. Although there isn't one determining factor why depression comes to an individual, studies show how genetics play a big part in it. I think about my dad and his struggles through various stages of his life. It culminated with the loss of his wife and best friend - my mother. I think about the similarities parallel in our lives experiences. Truth is, after all that life has thrown at him, my old man is still more emotionally resilient than I give him credit for.
Anyway, not to go off on a tangent, but I learnt that it is fairly possible for me to inherit a predisposition to depression.
Why Am I Always Tired or Unexcited About Life?
If you find yourself asking the above questions, you may want to get yourself checked for depression.
But also, depression is not really about being sad. More than that, it's the constant low key numbness that creeps over me. It's the indifference to happiness, to sadness, to all kinds of feelings and emotions. Some call it apathy. Sometimes, it's nihilism and anger. I just am not able to summon the childlike wonder of old. This is oftentimes bitterly described as “growing up” by the cynical - myself included.
While I don’t blame having inherited these genes, it means that I have to consciously work harder at overcoming it. Do I even want to get over myself? There is a perverse pleasure at proving yourself right just to say “Why try? There’s no hope in all of this, no point.” I see my dad trying. He’s a bigger man than I.
Or maybe, I can pretend. Some say that pretending is the first step toward becoming. Pretending tricks your mind into believing the little steps you take do matter. And then some day, maybe it will matter.
So in that same spirit, I decided to write this down. Not because it reflects my most current state of mind - far from it. Just because things aren't always rosy, it doesn't mean that I wasn’t thankful at some point in the last weeks.
This is a record of my thanksgiving.
The Difference Between Thankfulness & Gratitude:
Thankfulness:
So yes, thanksgiving. The word in itself sums it all up doesn’t it? It is about giving thanks and having gratitude. I suppose there are always things to be thankful for.
Being thankful is one thing. Though you can find that one can be thankful and still harbour a certain selfishness. Being selfish in the interest of self-preservation. It's when you say in the same breath “Thank God, I have a roof over my head (and that I’m not out on the streets like homeless people out here).” The latter part is seldom uttered. It is mostly internalised or muttered under the breath.
It's a mindset that things could very well be worse. It's about looking out for yourself. If you're reading this, fair reader, (slide into my DMs below) tell me if you feel the same way.
Gratitude:
This is a little different than just being thankful. Being grateful looks a little more at "US" instead of “ME". The act of gratitude spurs one into taking an act to pay it forward. When you are being blessed with food on the table, you make space for others to join you at the table. It is putting the “giving” into “Thanksgiving”.
Anyhow, this is just how I see it. There are no rights and wrongs.
In my current headspace, I am so far away from paying it forward. I am far away from anything outside of self preservation. I hesitated on writing this piece because the last thing I want to do is to “hashtag #GRATEFUL #BLESSED'' and all that. That’s a different kind of pretension.
A First Step
Right now, I see being thankful as a first step. I can do thanksgiving.
here are some of the things I am thankful for in 2021
A Roof Over My Head
I currently rent an “affordable-ish” loft apartment in the heart of downtown. With Jericho Beach and Stanley Park a few minutes drive away and all the conveniences (and late night food options) just a short walk, I’m perfectly placed. In my opinion, this is pretty swell.
A Fresh Start: Moving to Vancouver, Canada
It’s refreshing to start over in a place where nobody knows you. Not having our actions scrutinised, micro-managed and nannied over. Where you are free to just be.
Friends and “Adopted” Family Away From Home
Helping us find our groove in a new land.
This Wonderful Thanksgiving Turkey
This was my first time eating an organic bird not roasted from a frozen carcass. Turkey #205 was raised on a diet of non-genetically engineered grain with no antibiotics on JD Farms. It quite literally blew me away.
Turkey #205
herbs & butter & all that good stuff under the skin.
For you guys used to roasting your Thanksgiving turkey from the freezer, there is a remarkably HUGE difference. The taste of an organic turkey slaughtered fresh - it’s creamy and velvety and all sorts of dreaminess. Are you kidding me? It will be hard to return to frozen poultry after this. Thank you bird #205 for your sacrifice! And to the fine chefs for feeding our stomaches and nourishing our souls.
What's Next for the Future of The Blog?
I am coming to the end of my long-winded spiel. This has nothing to do with photography. Nothing to do with coffee. Nothing to do with the usual programming of this blog (if ever there was one). And you know, the process of writing it down had been (a little) cathartic. I don't know if this may be of help to anybody, or if I should even carry on writing in such a personal manner. It’s a little….much. Sorta like being naked on a stage.
In a way, had I still been in Singapore, no way would I blog like this. Back home, society is so ready to gloss over any first signs of cracks. That's why you only hear about the success stories, never the failures. The pressure of being always well put-together is one in a myriad of reasons that I needed to GTFO of Singapore. Plus, I prefer being around flawed individuals. They are more real. And they tell better stories.
I’m going to stop right here
Anyway, this is my snapshot of thanksgiving in 2021. There’s no product I’m pushing onto you guys to buy. No promos or discount codes. (Although feel free to buy me a coffee by clicking on the yellow widget at bottom right of the screen)
Maybe someday when I am ready, I can move beyond merely being thankful to being grateful. Life isn’t always a bed of roses. But - “You can’t wait for life to not be hard anymore to decide to be happy.” (love this quote)
So, I am working on it. And I encourage anyone reading and resonating with this to keep on at it.
Happy Thanksgiving 2021!
PS/ I’m not a trained counsellor, but if anyone wishes to reach out to me to chat about what’s been going on in your headspace, you can leave a note.
You can also reach me anywhere on the inter-webs at:
Be well. :)
